Q: How do you know if your child is throwing too many tantrums? What should I expect during the “terrible twos”? How do I handle discipline?
A: Every child is different, and the intensity and frequency of tantrums varies widely between children and personalities. What is fairly universal, however, is that at some point most toddlers will test boundaries — this is a normal and healthy part of their development as they begin to develop a sense of self and independence.
Consistency Matters
One of the most effective things parents can do is be consistent. Children tend to feel more secure when the rules are predictable. If a boundary is set, following through calmly and consistently helps the child understand that the limit is real. Inconsistency — where the same behaviour sometimes leads to a consequence and sometimes does not — can make the testing more persistent.
Avoid Power Struggles Where Possible
When a power struggle feels imminent, it can sometimes help to pause before responding. A moment’s pause gives both of you space. Then, try offering two acceptable choices — this gives your child a sense of agency while keeping things within the boundaries you have set.
Letting Natural Consequences Work
Where the situation is safe to do so, natural consequences can be a gentle teacher. For example, if a child insists on wearing a warm jumper on a hot day, it may be fine to allow it while keeping lighter clothes nearby for when they become uncomfortable. This respects their choice while letting reality provide the feedback.
When a Request Is Unreasonable
If a request is unsafe or genuinely not possible to fulfil, it is appropriate — and kind — to hold that boundary calmly. Acknowledging the feeling while maintaining the limit (“I can see you’re upset, and the answer is still no”) is often more effective than reasoning at length with a child in full tantrum mode. Save the explanation for a calmer moment.
Give Them Time to Calm
Sometimes the most helpful thing is to simply be nearby, keep your own tone calm, and give the child time to move through the feeling. Once calm is restored, reconnect warmly — this repair is an important part of the relationship.
This post is intended for general informational purposes only; please consult a qualified professional for advice specific to your child’s individual needs.
Hi, thanks for all the tips, this site is a wonderfull source of information for me.
My problem with my 25 m old son is that he’s not throwing tantrums (no crying,shouting, throwing himself to the ground, etc.) but when he’s frustrated by something, he goes to his cupboard in the kitchen or to his practical life area and deliberately throws a glass/china to the floor. Things are even worse when he’s tired, so I try to avoid every possible stress-factor around bedtime, but he has an 8 m sister and sometimes I cannot give my full attention to him…
Yes, sometimes I yell at him when it happens, especially if I’m too tired to “stop and think”,probably that’s what he’s “expeciting”?! I know, I should have him to help to clean up the mess, but I’m afraid that he’d cut his hand…Should I take away the inappropriatelly handled material, even if this means completelly blocking his access to glass/china by replacing his stuff with plastic plates/cups, which is really un-Montessori? Or any idea what I should do with such a behaviour? Thanks a lot.
Buy a few wooden and stainless steel cups and bowls and use those until this phase passes, then try offering ceramics when you think he can handle it better and them reintroduce glass.
i am a montessori adult i have a child in my environment some times he is very good some times he will make a mess so please give me some suggestions
hi,
I have read the montessori from the start book and it talks about building their “willâ€. I tried to spend time showing my son how to do things, but he doesn’t seem interested. how can I make his will get better. Also he has started throwing his toys. He is 17 months old, is this just what he does at this stage or can I stop it. thank you
My daughter will be 3 in Feb. She is VERY strong-willed. Most of the time, she is happy with the choices I give her. I do make an effort to give her a lot of choices, though. She gets to pick from 2 options for dinner, 2 options for drinks, 2 options for side veggies, 2 options for dessert, as well as underwear, outfits, and modes of transportation in a store [walk or cart- and she knows that if walking doesn’t work out, we do a “time-out†in the cart, where she has to get in for 2 minutes- which REALLY works, fyi.]
The only issues I have are.. she is really ornery about WHEN she wants to do things. If we’re running late, she will NOT put her shoes on, so then I will put them on, and then she will cry the whole car ride about how SHE wanted to put her shoes on. I mean, it’s a situation where I’ve warned her beforehand that we had to leave, and then asked her nicely about 5 times to put on her shoes.. she’s just stubborn to the point of not wanting to do it on MY time. In addition to this, when I go to pick her up from her Montessori school, she will see me and run down the hall, laughing, trying to get me to play with her. I don’t know how to communicate that that isn’t the time or place for our play without using a bunch of negatives and being ignored… Any ideas, suggestions? Thanks guys.
We too have a very strong-willed 2 year old. She has become especially defiant and we’re quickly losing our patience. We’ve always given her choices and she goes to an excellent Montessori program during the academic school year. Do you recommend any books/seminars on Montessori at home that focuses on discipline? Thank you.
Hi,
I wish there was a sure fire way that i can tell you and it will all be okay. You have a child who does not throw tantrums in public (or at home) and still you have not broken her strong will. But with Montessori you allow them freedom within limits. The limits of course are set by you and cannot be broken. Most of these are safety limits such as walking with your hand or pram. It is hard to ignore her tantrums in public but if there was a semi public place that you do not feel too bad to ignore them, try. It will let her know tantrums cannot always work and useless. Observe as well what triggers her tantrums and mood swings- there may or may not be a pattern and if possible of course avoid it. If you are asking something from them of course always explain to them why rather than just telling them to stop. If negotiating is not working, give her 2 choices and see if that works and do not bend. You also have to coordinate this with whoever other adults are around so she is clear and will not try to throw a tantrum to have her way.
It is if course a phase that will go away- hopefully sooner rather than later.
Good luck!
Regards,
Daily Montessori
Hello,
I have a 23 month old daughter, who is a wonderful child. She is very social and outgoing, but very strong-willed. We are having trouble controlling her mood swings and tantrums in public. She refuses to hold my hand or go in a stroller. I needed some advise on how to deal with a very strong-willed toddler without breaking their spirits. Negotiating with her has not been successful it sometimes seems like its her way or not at all. Her routine is fairly similar each day with the exceptions of weekends when we are out and about.