Separation anxiety is a normal and expected part of child development, most commonly seen in babies and toddlers between approximately 8 months and 2 years of age. It may be triggered by new childcare arrangements, a new sibling, a house move, or simply by the developmental shift that happens as a child becomes more aware of the world around them. While it can be distressing for both children and parents, it is generally a healthy sign that the child has formed meaningful attachments.
Why It Happens
Up until around 8 months, many babies will happily accept care from different people. Around 8 to 12 months, children typically become more aware of familiar faces, more conscious of their surroundings, and may begin to display what is known as stranger anxiety. It is also around this time that the understanding of object permanence begins to develop — the gradual realisation that something (or someone) can exist even when out of sight. Before this concept is fully established, a parent who leaves the room can feel, from the baby’s perspective, as though they have truly gone.
The Montessori Approach
In Montessori environments, activities such as simple drop-boxes (where a ball disappears and can be retrieved from a drawer) are used partly to support this developing understanding. Repeated, gentle experiences of things disappearing and reappearing help children build trust in the continuity of objects — and, by extension, of people.
Supporting a Child Through Separation
- Acknowledge the feeling — “I know you find it hard when I leave. That is understandable.” Validating the emotion helps the child feel seen.
- Create predictable goodbyes — A consistent, brief, and warm goodbye ritual (a special hug, a wave from the window) can provide reassurance through repetition.
- Do not sneak away — While it may feel kinder, leaving without saying goodbye can undermine a child’s sense of trust over time.
- Allow gradual adjustments — Where possible, introduce new care situations slowly, allowing time for a child to become familiar with the new environment and carers.
- Trust the process — Most children settle relatively quickly once a familiar carer or routine is established. Separation anxiety generally decreases naturally as children develop confidence and language.
If separation anxiety is very intense or persistent, or if it does not ease over time, it may be worth speaking with your child’s paediatrician or a child development specialist for personalised guidance.
This post is intended for general informational purposes only; please consult a qualified professional for advice specific to your child’s individual needs.
2.5
my 2 1/2 yo daughter is going to a local montessori school in indonesia. she’s been going for about 3 weeks now. when i drop her off, she would take my hands and ask me to accompany her inside to the classroom. if i leave her to the teachers there, she would rebel and cry out loud. so here’s what i told the teachers i want to do… let me keep my daughter company in the classroom until she’s settled in, or distracted with the toys, i would then say my goodbye to her, then i will leave her. but the school won’t let me, they rather force her off me, causing her to cry out loud, and told me to sneak out without saying goodbye. my problem with that is, i want my daughter to feel appreciated and respected. i kind of make that a habit at home; we talk to her, listen to her, give her choices to choose, and we always say goodbye whenever we’re leaving her. all these so she would feel confident about herself. so the school’s method of forcing her off me, seems like a good way to shatter her confident, and i hate that she has to cry in front of these teachers and classmates every morning on school days. wouldnt that embarrass her and could impact her self esteem in the long run? is the school’s method the correct method, or are they just montessori in name only?
Hi Ian,
We have a similar issue with our son, the teachers just grab him from my arms and do not allow me to stay with him, so he cries a lot …. he’s there just for 1 week and we feel very guilty because he’s coming from a non-montessori care where he really enjoyed the mornings there.
How have you passed that out ?
My 1 yr.old daughter has been separated from me almost 2 mos.when. when she saw me she cried really hard and didn’t want anything to do with me, she is with my mom and my mom told me she never acts like that, the next day she did the same thing with me, now we are settled into our new home and ready for her to come back to me what do I do?
It has just been 2 days. Give him time maybe after a month he will fully settle in. He will have to learn the routine. If it distresses you and him it might be a good idea to let him have shorter days in the beginning until all – including you have settled into the routine. If you feel comfortable at the centre and feel like they are taking care of him well then the centre is suited for your family. It seems like if they give him one on one attention he stops crying and this may be what is needed for now. Give the carers time to be able to do their work as well though it is hard when he cries but it is expected. It is a sign of good attachment to you and also that he is able to form relationships.
I believe it will get better. He will eventually enjoy being in daycare.
Daily Montessori
My 2 &1/2 year old has just started at day care. This week was only his second day, and a half day as his grandma picked him up after lunch.
Both times he has become very distressed when i say good bye, clinging to me and pleading that i stay or he go home. I have left him in tears so was feeling distress myself.
I am concerned as his crying continued for most of the time he was there, he did not play or interact with the other children, didn’t eat morning tea or lunch and didn’t toilet there. I was told that he stopped crying only when one of the teachers was with him talking to him.
Is all this normal and when should I expect him to settle there? Also wondering at what point I would know that this particular centre just doesn’t suit him?
Hi!
Yep she just misses you and using the time that you are there to act up just for you! I know it is not good to threaten her that you will go away when you are there. but maybe let her know when you will be home or not and try to make a routine with her if work allows it so that she will know when you are home or not. explain to her as well that she should still go to sleep early even if you are at home. Maybe do something special with her like read her a special bedtime story for her to go to sleep on time. Reassure her that you will be there in the morning to say goodbye or you will spend time with her during the weekends. Try calling her from work sometimes, it may ease her missing you a bit.
I really do not know how she may react or if it will help. She does just miss you doing whatever to spend more time with you. Can’t really blame her, but maybe she just needs assurance that you will spend time with her appropriately.
Hope it helps.
Daily Montessori
My 3yr old Daughter seems to have more anxiety when I’m home! She’s fine when dropping her off at Daycare, but at home she clings to me as much as possible! I work a lot so I’m thinking she is trying to make sure I’m not going anywhere. My 15 yr old son can put her to bed just fine when I work late and she will usually sleep all night. If I’m home, she doesn’t want to go to sleep and when she finally does it’s 12:00am! Then she gets up screaming for me in the middle if the night! Maybe because she knows I’m here? I’m at a loss! Help!
Sometimes it can take a lot lot longer than you expected. Books and websites can inform you that if you try this technique you’ll be fine, but ultimately, your the parent, and you know what works best.
It may help being with your child for some time, even 15 minutes, and then step away (or into other room). This will give them time to adjust. Maybe its the anxiety- in which case, use a timetable.
Hi there. I am a mother of two boys aged 13 and 12 and I can understand how you are thinking. I would suggest that the parents need to arrange to go out more regularly but only for short periods of time to get the child used to it. Its no good for children to try and rule and be in control. They are the ones that need the rules and control. Make it so its fun for her. Mum and Dad are going out now but when we get back we will do something together.
My grand-daughter(6) throws a fit if her parents leave her for just a little while. I think she’s at the point where she like’s control of her parents. She want’s to go everywhere with them. I tried to explain to her that Mom & Dad need time alone or with their friends too.
She has no problem playing with her friends and leaving them.
Like I said I think she likes the control already she has over them. She has a sister (4) and she will go anywhere; but then again the other one doesn’t want her sister to go anywhere tries her best to talk her out of it. She keeps asking her ( Don’t you miss Mommy & Daddy) tries her best to get her crying. I asked her if she cries when she’s in school and she said no. Raising my 3 kids I didn’t let them tell us what we can or can- not do.
I just hate seeing kids today controlling their parents. Think there will be problems later down the road. Then it’s too late to change things.
What do you think?
Thanks for listening….
Nana of 4 &1/2